Pensieve

life doesnt always overwhelm you till you experience a meltdown sometimes it just feels like you are stuck. cos ive been through a long period where i reacted like a confused child to pain, now i face it calmly but i dont totally accept things emotionally. or maybe im simply not sleeping well enough. i wonder if its dangerous that im enjoying spending so much time with myself and withdrawing from company. cos too little social smoozing is gonna cost you. human relationships need some amount of investment from time to time. i just  want to go to a quiet corner and let it out, have a good cry. but instead, all i am doing is just mindlessly squandering my time on youtube i just cant cry. its like being constipated. i'd like to have a proper reset of my feelings. so for now its like, people whining about the little bad things in their life? its no big deal. everyone hurts. life is imperfect by default. yet it hurts. i keep telling myself its fine. im fine. but im not ok. ther

had this wild idea to write a biopic of my life. here it goes. luyi leads a boring mundane ordinary life. shes timid to aim for a job that is so called more respectable for fear of not being able to rise to the challenge of more responsibility and also the dread of lunching with colleagues expectations, and works a meagre paying junior post job, where daily tasks pile up, everyday running a hamster wheel. the boss, her direct superiors, daily they shoot a few arrows adding to her mounting workload, made intractable by the dept heads new habit of plying her with extra curricular work every tgif. ruining her fridays so tgifs are not tgifs anymore.

my brain feels like its been abused. it feels numb. a sense of feeling like i do so much work and make so much error and it comes back to bite me. there is no special way to not have error in your work. you just check your work. i do not understand my own pain my own mood when it comes. i just feel stifled frustrated uneasy. it is neither good to think of your work as good or bad. its just work. you get into it. you get overloaded. you get paid. you get fat and unhealthy. your brain cells die. your skin wrinkles. you look old. you age. you get closer to old age and death. you wish you could be young again. the details of your work get muddier as you get more familiar and comfortable at work. it gets boring. mundane. repetitive. brain numbing. you try to do things that make you feel younger. you love your quiet your solitude because you know you put on a mask and consider others feelings when you are with them its tiring. you learn to not care about others. actually i rather n