Pensieve

i have been on lupron letrozole since 2024. calcium + vitamin d seems to keep my mood stable. for reasons i dont understand. im a shell of my previous self. you know being bald and also being artificially menopause. i feel robbed.  even if i dont plan to marry and have kids. i still feel robbed.

 i see those in my workplace when they are in a relationship and boundaries crossed. i dont like it. i just dont like it. gross.

i miss bts. listening to their music. their music pulled me out of depression. i think i was especially lonely and their music just made me feel alive. and stopped that empty feeling. im so glad to have known their music and them too. good times. 

 you should be more selfish.. when it comes to thinking about your goals and aspirations.. when i struggle with trying to motivate myself.. things that work imagining being fired from a job telling myself i deserve it, so i get the self image needed to hold down a job and aspirations i have a very fuzzy sense of self i adapt to others i am lazy i escapism

i feel like with whats going on recently.. has healed me.. my emotions all stuck in side.. extreme emotions.. and my masking.. i feel it is better for me not to pretend i am not a nerd..

 it's been a while. limbo i am stuck in limbo. stuck with an exam i can't pass. stuck with a colleague i can't handover to. starting my chemo. i try not to think if i will get stuck in the old project. just think forward and that's it. about you my office crush left the company. but is still active in the chats. like a ghost. but its ok  the distance gives me needed peace. now i have brain space to do my own things. good. nothing but heartache and pointless longing. so it is a good break. he will never like me. it is like the song about you by 1975. when you want to remember how someone made you feel, there is a place you go back to to remember them. but the memory is pretty hazy. i cling on, because it isn't often i fall for someone. i do actually treasure it how it made me feel what i learnt about myself. as usual, i am obssessed and avoidant at the same time when it comes to love. romantic love is always tinged with hatred jealousy and prickliness for me. trying ...