feelings

life doesnt always overwhelm you till you experience a meltdown sometimes it just feels like you are stuck. cos ive been through a long period where i reacted like a confused child to pain, now i face it calmly but i dont totally accept things emotionally.

or maybe im simply not sleeping well enough.

i wonder if its dangerous that im enjoying spending so much time with myself and withdrawing from company. cos too little social smoozing is gonna cost you. human relationships need some amount of investment from time to time.

i just  want to go to a quiet corner and let it out, have a good cry. but instead, all i am doing is just mindlessly squandering my time on youtube i just cant cry. its like being constipated. i'd like to have a proper reset of my feelings.

so for now its like, people whining about the little bad things in their life? its no big deal. everyone hurts. life is imperfect by default. yet it hurts.

i keep telling myself its fine. im fine. but im not ok. theres a grey feeling in my heart and i dont really like smiling.

life is not good. life is not a catastrophe. life is grey, meh.

i'd like to be able to cry and get in touch with the me thats not behind this block of er stone? ice? i feel trapped behind this wall i cant break. i cant put a finger on exactly whats making me like this.

id like to be able to have a break from work. when you work too hard, life is too fast, you get even more grey inside. its really unhealthy.