Pensieve

during the 6 days of my rest following being hit by a motorbike and sustaining minor injuries i have been: - dabbling with making web stuff - ignoring work - dealing with wanting to quit my job - wanting to go on a media/dopamine fast. to me the fast means none of the things that hook me - music, and the sing a long that follows - facebook - whatsapp my inner chatter is tamer now i am less bitter less triggered less anxious i dont know but other people appear to cope with using social media technology better than i do. i am looking forward to enjoying a quiet day at home. maybe from time to time i will take short breaks to recuperate at home. this frantic pace of work drives me mad. no time for a reset of myself. i didnt realise i was driving myself towards burnout.

im very happy nowadays i have a job i enjoy my netflix, books i try to learn my javascript i have money and look more respectable to cater for my family's debt i got my parents to look at buying a health plan and refinancing hopefully it lowers the monthly payment the sad side although paying for the familys mortgage means i get to inherit the house mostly, i dont really know. i dont feel its right for me to service a debt that is created due to my sibling failed business. i know i got lucky a little. working at my current job where the people are all normal and not callous. my contract ends in 6 months. i dont know if i will be able to secure my next job and i will be still happy. i hope to do a good enough job and get a good review so i can upgrade to a higher paying job. i am still not good with other humans because i refuse to put on a happy mask and do emotional labor. i can see it pays off. but i dont. im comfortable. this job is ok. 5 day week. i do overtime...

something weird happened at work. i experience a moment of calm peace which i have not. because at that moment i truly didnt care what others thought about me. its a wondrous feeling. but now my happy hormones have dried up and im back to this nagging background of low level pain. bummer.