20230701 its been a while

it feels like ages since i left the mobile app startup i was interning at to work in corporate. working in an office is COMPLICATED. because you have to deal with humans. many times you see behaviours that give you pause.

i feel like a lot of my brain space is unnecessarily taken up by thinking too much of what other people think. if people dont like me, i cant help it. cos inside, i really think i'm just plain ol me. no idea what other people see. its pretty tiring also. humans are tiring, always you dealing with egos. except for my parents.

so now my goal is make my mind a nice garden. i realise i have a lot of dark negative thoughts i need to work through. 

things i absolutely have to do to prevent depression or having a shit brain on any day

- take tamoxifen on time

- jog daily

- do not alcohol

- do not sugar - i have cravings for sugar. im attempting to substitute with fruit

i dont dare to take vitamin b complex anymore. i heard folate can increase breast cancer risk.

but i felt it really boosted my brain. maybe i can cut the pill or something.

if i were to look back at what i was exposed to shortly pre cancer lump

- vitamin b supplement

- eagle brand roll on. it has turpentine which is paint thinner i believe

rosemary oil seems to mess with my mood so i dont know any good replacements either.

i'm now on tamoxifen. i feel like my thinking's super foggy right now. i checked online, it doesnt really make much of a difference in terms of the percentage. but i still take it because i dont want to play doctor. heck, the oncologist blithely told me to reduce my dosage. he said he didnt know why i happened to be sensitive to it. i told him i had pretty bad brain fog. i dont know, is it because i got breast cancer at a pretty young age of 32? without estrogen its like im adhd. i can only grin and bear it but i really hate my brain now. its like a dick that wont erect on demand. my depressing spiral and self talk doesnt make it better. i get stuck in it and perform worse than ever.

probably need to struggle more to learn new code and make myself exercise to make it better. and i was the one who told him in the first place can i halve my dosage. he did not solution for me. so, patients know themselves best. im not saying play doctor, because there is a lot of knowledge involved, but at the same time, only you know what's best for you. i miss my estrogen brain. words used to come easy for me. now its like crappy writing. very tedious to read my writing. it doesnt have that bite. 

i dont think exercise makes me smarter. cos i exercise too little. its not painful enough to give results. just enough to prevent depression. but hey, thinking of it, that is pretty good thing actually. i have one thing that is very effective for me.

probably i very long never code made my brain slower. didnt solve challenging problems. unfortunately my brain is high maintenance like that. some people have nice brain. they eat like shit, they dont exercise, their brain just works like a well oiled ferrari. maybe they lose their hair.

i have been taking up reading again. i spend my weekends consuming books. which i really like. because it is something that made me happy in my childhood. the midnight library was good. thanks lemon8 app.

i dont know why chinese speakers dont english but english speakers attempt to chinese. maybe thinking it chinese gives them an edge in terms of social processing. english is very formal usually. not a lot of people are familiar with vines and cracked.com. sometimes i try to read stuff in chinese. maybe ghost stories.

anyway cancer is still pretty traumatic to me. i did try to hint to my mum i had cancer. and i was on hormone meds. it felt too lonely to hide it from her. she did not miss a beat. but i cannot confirm if she really got the full extent of my message. mum, i had cancer in my body and i dont know if it will come back. it might and it might not. i am taking steps to protect myself. but no 100% guarantees. its not just a benign lump that was removed and preventative hormone therapy.

i paused trying to meet guys online because i found forcing it made me pretty unhappy. the fomo made me quite depressed. it is not very healthy to be telling yourself singlehood is a bad thing. you kinda feel like there's something wrong with you. and also partially because i got this unhealthy attraction to this office colleague that i wished to break. i developed a crush that makes no sense. and when i went out with a guy and my mind wouldnt stop wishing it was him. i mean i dont think this is love or something i think we would not be drawn to each other. its probably some female social thing going on like you see other girls gush over him and you just develop this stupid crush on him. tip: girls dont crush on you specifically, they also like "popular" guys. 

these days im in a philosophical mood. sometimes depressed. but reading a lot of books. life isnt smooth sailing. but i'm learning how to make myself happy, because happiness comes from within.