20231029 - 3rd quarter musings

 it's been a while.

limbo

i am stuck in limbo. stuck with an exam i can't pass. stuck with a colleague i can't handover to. starting my chemo.

i try not to think if i will get stuck in the old project. just think forward and that's it.

about you

my office crush left the company. but is still active in the chats. like a ghost. but its ok 

the distance gives me needed peace. now i have brain space to do my own things. good.

nothing but heartache and pointless longing. so it is a good break. he will never like me.

it is like the song about you by 1975. when you want to remember how someone made you feel, there is a place you go back to to remember them. but the memory is pretty hazy. i cling on, because it isn't often i fall for someone. i do actually treasure it how it made me feel what i learnt about myself. as usual, i am obssessed and avoidant at the same time when it comes to love. romantic love is always tinged with hatred jealousy and prickliness for me.

trying to understand what drew me to him.

i also remember what made me resent him so much. he didn't teach me code properly. so i resent him forever for it.

self care

my first chemo is administered. today i took some salad now my neck and shoulders low key ache. i think probably some reaction. not supposed to eat raw foods.

yesterday got chest pain when i jogged. nausea also. was breathing my way through it. probably gonna take a break today.

eating lots of nutritious foods.