song

this just came out. his recent songs are getting better, i'm impressed.

• metaphors and imagery on point. flying, running barefoot, looking back, blackened nails, tears in sleep, warm bright sunlight, dancing alone, flying free like a bird
• i relate to this because my life is to be honest, so-so in the friends department and non existent in the romance department. 
• i don't feel like really sad, or regret, or i need to change it.
• friends are busy and settled down, 
• some are less able to provide a listening ear (maybe to them it is childish, immature, or being listened to means you have have to reciprocate so maybe not, they have theirs at home already, they are stressed and have no more bandwidth for anything else). 
• that is the reality of being an adult. maybe the occasional sympathy and warmth from a colleague or friend or stranger. but that doesn't do it for me. i don't need the superficial.
• and i feel it is so easy to have values not align one day, or perhaps priorities change, and they just leave you without saying goodbye. i'm not asking for much, i'm just asking for the occasional how are you and to me that makes a good friend in the adult world. not one where people feel free to go MIA without any warning. nope. its against my values to be continuing this way and one day if it hurts or is too cognitively dissonant, you will see some concrete action from me.
• that is why i dislike intimacy, its based on current conditions and mental state, which change. don't think you can have it without proximity
• not so easy to say you will meet a long lost friend one day and be able to restore session like a chrome browser
• i value action more. it reflects your choices, your loyalties, your values all the same. it's locked in your memory.
• now don't get me wrong, i don't dislike people to the point of hatred, been there, done that, gone through that phase. seen callousness and ambiguity, been confused about what should be right and wrong, done things that i regretted doing
• so i feel it is best to manage emotions with oneself. have your own values so your choices are not difficult. you don't have to go through that mental turmoil. so that is the path i chose. the minimalist introspective life, and i hope i can get it. to be focused on mental health and read up on people's stories and perspectives and maybe do some actual volunteering which may lead to helping to build a community. if not, enough money, a quiet home, garden, food and internet is all i ask.
• if my immediate family was only left with me i would be missing a source of warmth, be without the orange sunlight or the orange island as referenced in the video. with the people i hold dear and prefer to be with. i have been busy cultivating solo activities i enjoy doing.
• since young there's a part of me that likes solitude
• only think of intimate and intense emotions as false emotions, sentiments, not bedrocks not commitment
• i guess i can't imagine myself with someone. i would think about it and always end up eughhh or yucks
• the blue-orange-sunlight association/contrast get me, 
• blue color is also the color of vastness, sadness, romantic love for me.
• sunlight. one of the self care i do is i go back to my senses in my mind's eye and i feel better when i am sad, stuff like imagining the warmth of the sun, imagining its brightness shining in my eyes. rain and grey skies make me down on my mood. i think they call this being in the present.
• this video is dealing with the loss of IU's friends, as well as how she manages her loss via her memories. 
• i think we only have this life, so it is important to have priorities and treat your dearest well, do what you want, be an authentic person. when we die it's all gone.
• i prefer sad-happy songs. since emotions are in transit, they rarely show up as a single emotion. and also our tendency to manipulate them makes them rarely show up as just sad or something. we also tend to hide our emotions and keep them to ourselves.

also

• i realised i have not let myself feel truly happy for quite a while. it's almost like there is a small voice in me telling i should be a little sad and wistful, but not hopeful.
• also, while watching billions and its character called wendy rhoades, i realised i had been letting fear cheat me of many things in life
• i have also not let myself appreciate romantic love and its beauty. sometimes its just beautiful and idealistic for its own sake. though many times it is rather cringey i couldn't imagine why people would want to PDA. still a sucker for a good ballad sung by an attractive member of the opposite sex, even though its not for me but it's still aww-inspiring.