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 you should be more selfish.. when it comes to thinking about your goals and aspirations.. when i struggle with trying to motivate myself.. things that work imagining being fired from a job telling myself i deserve it, so i get the self image needed to hold down a job and aspirations i have a very fuzzy sense of self i adapt to others i am lazy i escapism

i feel like with whats going on recently.. has healed me.. my emotions all stuck in side.. extreme emotions.. and my masking.. i feel it is better for me not to pretend i am not a nerd..

 it's been a while. limbo i am stuck in limbo. stuck with an exam i can't pass. stuck with a colleague i can't handover to. starting my chemo. i try not to think if i will get stuck in the old project. just think forward and that's it. about you my office crush left the company. but is still active in the chats. like a ghost. but its ok  the distance gives me needed peace. now i have brain space to do my own things. good. nothing but heartache and pointless longing. so it is a good break. he will never like me. it is like the song about you by 1975. when you want to remember how someone made you feel, there is a place you go back to to remember them. but the memory is pretty hazy. i cling on, because it isn't often i fall for someone. i do actually treasure it how it made me feel what i learnt about myself. as usual, i am obssessed and avoidant at the same time when it comes to love. romantic love is always tinged with hatred jealousy and prickliness for me. trying

it feels like ages since i left the mobile app startup i was interning at to work in corporate. working in an office is COMPLICATED. because you have to deal with humans. many times you see behaviours that give you pause. i feel like a lot of my brain space is unnecessarily taken up by thinking too much of what other people think. if people dont like me, i cant help it. cos inside, i really think i'm just plain ol me. no idea what other people see. its pretty tiring also. humans are tiring, always you dealing with egos. except for my parents. so now my goal is make my mind a nice garden. i realise i have a lot of dark negative thoughts i need to work through.  things i absolutely have to do to prevent depression or having a shit brain on any day - take tamoxifen on time - jog daily - do not alcohol - do not sugar - i have cravings for sugar. im attempting to substitute with fruit i dont dare to take vitamin b complex anymore. i heard folate can increase breast cancer risk. but i fe

 recently been into self improvement revived my interest in buddhism https://medium.com/meditation-without-mysticism/what-calvin-and-hobbes-taught-me-about-mindfulness-21f707245677 Because your mind is never satisfied with the present moment — it will always need something else.  Something needs to be fixed. Something needs to be added or taken away. Something needs to be acquired or achieved. https://www.thetadprinciple.com/tad-blog/stop-tomorrowing-yourself-to-the-end-of-your-life Many people argue that being present means you can't plan or have goals. But these people confuse  planning  with  dwelling and ruminating .  Plan. Take action. Evaluate and adjust. And, do it all mindfully in the only time you can do it - now.  Your mind perpetuates this cycle. It tells you that happiness, success, and fulfillment lie at some point down the road. When you reach that point, however, you always find your mind has pushed it farther down the road. You are being led around like a donkey fol