20240922

oh lord i felt depressed as fuck today.

went to some temple to help some volunteering. not for me.

hot. full of people. and i am not religious. no greenery. no empty buildings.

plus the heat makes me headache.

i was ready to cry as i got rather depressed. was in a depressed mood as i went home.

i see all the older people my mind starts going crazy imagining being single and lonely and having to do such activities.

i do believe that being single or childless makes the person eccentric as there is no one to mirror back to them. but of course there are definitely weird married women. its also a society stereotype.

there was a woman talking about blessed rice. spiritual materialism i guess. if you dont know go google the concept. 

unfortunately i am a pessimist so magical thinking does not work for me.

at least in nature i feel so much happier. it doesnt mean depressed is bad. because at the end of depressed episode i sometimes have new realisations.

i conclude religion community and volunteer work does not help me.

it is the labour itself. if it is strenous it is exercise.

i can still donate and choose volunteer work that is phyically strenous.

there was a food kitchen where i had a good arm workout.

today's one was like gym. the heat and the speed of lifting weight and turning made me see stars pretty fast. i had to escape for drinks and rest from time to time.

and unfortunately wasting time watching porn and also eating that tempura (oily) makes me feel like a failure and depressed. also too much tiktok makes me depressed. i am not addicted to porn but i am addicted to tiktok. i know cos i get sick of porn fast. thankfully i figured out exactly what turns me on so i dont like need more and more hardcore content. the stuff i watch is pretty vanilla actually. i'm pretty normal.

also i get a abit turn off if i watch too much pretty young girl. like its pointless.

so, i am going to avoid porn. and i have already told my mother the tempura probably uses old oil so we wont be going there frequently.

my new favourite food is leipopoo at one punggol. lei cha. shucks why do they close at 730pm. so sad not able to eat it. when i eat that veggie filled dish i feel so good about myself. i go and eat carbs filled seafood porridge. which was bloody filling. didnt make me feel good also.

so i conclude

i feel like a failure if i watch porn

dont do enough of my preferred exercise which includes greenery

dont do enough housework

eat not enough fruits and veggies

i will feel very guilty

and heat makes me feel awful