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i've done pretty crazy stuff these days rejected 2 perm job offers my contract will end on end jan i have applied for a few dozen hospital related jobs, not sure why i want to apply for them think the reason i want to quit my current job is that i feel the workload is going to get higher, not the pay, i can see they dont really retain the better workers been having anxiety about job change, i am worried that my depression will come back if the environment is depressongenic worried about my ability to find a suitable job mostly worried about my future social life at work when i change office environment. not everyone can tolerate my crazy nature. but that high strung way is my norm, and its not going to change. i hope my next job will give me lots of independence like my current job

.. and life is like a balancing act these days.. its approaching the end of the year where u have to clear my leave because i hear the company i work for doesn't allow us to carry forward leave. my year's contract is ending soon. i am not sure if they are renewing me, everyone says its a given, but its hard to believe. and my character is the kind that bosses don't like because sometimes i will get an overwhelming impulsive urge to do something a little stupid and annoying once in a while. can't stand people subjecting me to higher and higher standards now its underlying anxious buzz that feels like what i feel when i have too much caffeine or drank tea , and concurrently, l et's give it our minimum effort to coast along and speed up our knowledge in the field we have been trying to learn so we can jump ship . (i call me and my rational mind "we", it makes me feel less alone and more confident.) i have managed to keep calm and stay reliable - #...

- become fatter - my face looks like a moon, i'm low key panicking i'm starting to look way older than 30 and i have a real bad relationship with food now - eat lots of grab, fast food, consume lots of caffeine - less constipated just because i eat papaya almost daily. without it my constipation returns. - really stagnated and settled in my job. i realised its a dead end job when i tried to write up my resume for my next job - happy year overall, i feel grateful for it, sad its ending soon - kind start to feel like there are may things in life that other have achieved and i have not. previously i was very depressed so i never really thought about those things. but now they are the the edge of my mind and i wish they didn't bother me that much because i hope to live life to the fullest. - become into reading autobiographies, novels about people's experiences in life, pain - being more aware of my social awkwardness, and blaming my dad for it privately (this is a ...

lost connection by johari

during the 6 days of my rest following being hit by a motorbike and sustaining minor injuries i have been: - dabbling with making web stuff - ignoring work - dealing with wanting to quit my job - wanting to go on a media/dopamine fast. to me the fast means none of the things that hook me - music, and the sing a long that follows - facebook - whatsapp my inner chatter is tamer now i am less bitter less triggered less anxious i dont know but other people appear to cope with using social media technology better than i do. i am looking forward to enjoying a quiet day at home. maybe from time to time i will take short breaks to recuperate at home. this frantic pace of work drives me mad. no time for a reset of myself. i didnt realise i was driving myself towards burnout.

im very happy nowadays i have a job i enjoy my netflix, books i try to learn my javascript i have money and look more respectable to cater for my family's debt i got my parents to look at buying a health plan and refinancing hopefully it lowers the monthly payment the sad side although paying for the familys mortgage means i get to inherit the house mostly, i dont really know. i dont feel its right for me to service a debt that is created due to my sibling failed business. i know i got lucky a little. working at my current job where the people are all normal and not callous. my contract ends in 6 months. i dont know if i will be able to secure my next job and i will be still happy. i hope to do a good enough job and get a good review so i can upgrade to a higher paying job. i am still not good with other humans because i refuse to put on a happy mask and do emotional labor. i can see it pays off. but i dont. im comfortable. this job is ok. 5 day week. i do overtime...

something weird happened at work. i experience a moment of calm peace which i have not. because at that moment i truly didnt care what others thought about me. its a wondrous feeling. but now my happy hormones have dried up and im back to this nagging background of low level pain. bummer.