20/10/2020 - is it good to know about the unhappiness of the world?

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 i think, i am suffering from empathy fatigue now. so i need to vent right now. here.

  • supporting one friend who has work loneliness 
    • while navigating minefields by being really direct but objective as much as i can manage.
    •  so i preserve my boundaries. and my sanity
      • trying to have adult-like conversations that are win-win
      •  shifting her away from being too negative so i don't get overwhelmed by negativity
      • and maybe not feel bored and dragged down due to the repetitiveness negative people display
        • it's common to be obsessive
      • i felt so drained and tired after listening to her troubles when we went out
        • i have my own set of social anxiety to deal with, and hearing other people's difficulties with it, i don't know
        • is it good to know more about the unhappiness of the world?
    • people still befuddle me
      • i felt like i have been listening to her kvetch
        • is this considered in depth conversation? 
        • listening to troubles and offering positivity?
        • we don't share the same humor
      • she asked me to confirm if i liked shopping
        • didn't you know long ago i hated it, i'm not sure you asked it because you knew i disliked it but just wanted to confirm because i went along with it
    • i mean, i'm just doing all these while clinging to the philosophy that true relationships are built on support with healthy dose of boundaries
  • supporting that one friend whose baby is having problems
    • distracting her but not belittling her concerns
    • pointing out that she needs to rope in the hubby to help even though he is incompetent
    • shifting her focus onto solutions and not into obsessive worry
    • knowing she is overreacting and ignoring her when she does that
    • deciding when to pull the plug on the emotional support
    • she is actually quite a positive and strong person so i don't get pissed off by talking to her
    • i just feel like after a while i have nothing else to say 
    • so i need to get out of there (the chat) and end it nicely
  • paying sporadic attention that team mate who needs replies and attention
    • observation - he shares and pings the chat with 'useful' information. 
    • he seems benign, actually i think he may just be bored at home
    • wonder if i will feel bored and needing to talk to just about anyone when i get older
i think i am feeling much better now after this kvetch session with blogger. thank you blogger. i feel so much better now.

am still subscribing to the belief that one should try to complain less to nurture the buddhist virtue of equamnity, which comes with stillness and letting everything settle (go google the muddy water analogy)

great articles on friendship



the people guide you never knew you needed. no one ever tells you how to do friend breakups like a mature adult. or worse, they just sound so negative and tell you to get rid of everyone because they are toxic because who doesn't have a couple flaws? but this is the correct one. 

ambivalence is toxic. it destroyed me before, made me a nervous wreck and have mild depression and lose 10kg. this is a guide on how to pinpoint where you both stand.

the difference between seeking advice, venting emotions, complaining, or worse gossiping. 

some guides on handling temporary complainers that are still friends
  • ask them what exactly do they want
  • enforce discipline. don't give sympathy easily. don't encourage whining. only acknowledge if its dreadful.
  • always expect someone to be an adult
  • give them lots of support from google.com
  • ask them how they will solve the problem
  • tell them to direct their complaints to the cause of it
  • help them focus on their values and priorities 
    • so they stop feeling ambivalent and stop complaining 
    • because they don't even know what's wrong or whether they are right to feel that way
  • determine if they are attention seekers who don't have anything better to say
  • tell them they are driving you crazy by going round in circles
  • always bear in mind oversharing means you risk letting people know sensitive details of your life
  • behave like an adult yourself
at first, it's really difficult for me. very draining. listening to someone obsessing about their troubles.
but now, i am more inclined to see it as another person's perspective. and also re-affirm my own values. being there for someone but honouring your own limits and needs. 

i think i do feel freed a little from my own personal bonds. like the need to act strong but actually brittle. not voicing out my own unhappiness.

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