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- become fatter - my face looks like a moon, i'm low key panicking i'm starting to look way older than 30 and i have a real bad relationship with food now - eat lots of grab, fast food, consume lots of caffeine - less constipated just because i eat papaya almost daily. without it my constipation returns. - really stagnated and settled in my job. i realised its a dead end job when i tried to write up my resume for my next job - happy year overall, i feel grateful for it, sad its ending soon - kind start to feel like there are may things in life that other have achieved and i have not. previously i was very depressed so i never really thought about those things. but now they are the the edge of my mind and i wish they didn't bother me that much because i hope to live life to the fullest. - become into reading autobiographies, novels about people's experiences in life, pain - being more aware of my social awkwardness, and blaming my dad for it privately (this is a ...

lost connection by johari

during the 6 days of my rest following being hit by a motorbike and sustaining minor injuries i have been: - dabbling with making web stuff - ignoring work - dealing with wanting to quit my job - wanting to go on a media/dopamine fast. to me the fast means none of the things that hook me - music, and the sing a long that follows - facebook - whatsapp my inner chatter is tamer now i am less bitter less triggered less anxious i dont know but other people appear to cope with using social media technology better than i do. i am looking forward to enjoying a quiet day at home. maybe from time to time i will take short breaks to recuperate at home. this frantic pace of work drives me mad. no time for a reset of myself. i didnt realise i was driving myself towards burnout.

im very happy nowadays i have a job i enjoy my netflix, books i try to learn my javascript i have money and look more respectable to cater for my family's debt i got my parents to look at buying a health plan and refinancing hopefully it lowers the monthly payment the sad side although paying for the familys mortgage means i get to inherit the house mostly, i dont really know. i dont feel its right for me to service a debt that is created due to my sibling failed business. i know i got lucky a little. working at my current job where the people are all normal and not callous. my contract ends in 6 months. i dont know if i will be able to secure my next job and i will be still happy. i hope to do a good enough job and get a good review so i can upgrade to a higher paying job. i am still not good with other humans because i refuse to put on a happy mask and do emotional labor. i can see it pays off. but i dont. im comfortable. this job is ok. 5 day week. i do overtime...

something weird happened at work. i experience a moment of calm peace which i have not. because at that moment i truly didnt care what others thought about me. its a wondrous feeling. but now my happy hormones have dried up and im back to this nagging background of low level pain. bummer.

i have no life

life doesnt always overwhelm you till you experience a meltdown sometimes it just feels like you are stuck. cos ive been through a long period where i reacted like a confused child to pain, now i face it calmly but i dont totally accept things emotionally. or maybe im simply not sleeping well enough. i wonder if its dangerous that im enjoying spending so much time with myself and withdrawing from company. cos too little social smoozing is gonna cost you. human relationships need some amount of investment from time to time. i just  want to go to a quiet corner and let it out, have a good cry. but instead, all i am doing is just mindlessly squandering my time on youtube i just cant cry. its like being constipated. i'd like to have a proper reset of my feelings. so for now its like, people whining about the little bad things in their life? its no big deal. everyone hurts. life is imperfect by default. yet it hurts. i keep telling myself its fine. im fine. but im not ok. ther...