Pensieve

i've done pretty crazy stuff these days rejected 2 perm job offers my contract will end on end jan i have applied for a few dozen hospital related jobs, not sure why i want to apply for them think the reason i want to quit my current job is that i feel the workload is going to get higher, not the pay, i can see they dont really retain the better workers been having anxiety about job change, i am worried that my depression will come back if the environment is depressongenic worried about my ability to find a suitable job mostly worried about my future social life at work when i change office environment. not everyone can tolerate my crazy nature. but that high strung way is my norm, and its not going to change. i hope my next job will give me lots of independence like my current job

.. and life is like a balancing act these days.. its approaching the end of the year where u have to clear my leave because i hear the company i work for doesn't allow us to carry forward leave. my year's contract is ending soon. i am not sure if they are renewing me, everyone says its a given, but its hard to believe. and my character is the kind that bosses don't like because sometimes i will get an overwhelming impulsive urge to do something a little stupid and annoying once in a while. can't stand people subjecting me to higher and higher standards now its underlying anxious buzz that feels like what i feel when i have too much caffeine or drank tea , and concurrently, l et's give it our minimum effort to coast along and speed up our knowledge in the field we have been trying to learn so we can jump ship . (i call me and my rational mind "we", it makes me feel less alone and more confident.) i have managed to keep calm and stay reliable - #

- become fatter - my face looks like a moon, i'm low key panicking i'm starting to look way older than 30 and i have a real bad relationship with food now - eat lots of grab, fast food, consume lots of caffeine - less constipated just because i eat papaya almost daily. without it my constipation returns. - really stagnated and settled in my job. i realised its a dead end job when i tried to write up my resume for my next job - happy year overall, i feel grateful for it, sad its ending soon - kind start to feel like there are may things in life that other have achieved and i have not. previously i was very depressed so i never really thought about those things. but now they are the the edge of my mind and i wish they didn't bother me that much because i hope to live life to the fullest. - become into reading autobiographies, novels about people's experiences in life, pain - being more aware of my social awkwardness, and blaming my dad for it privately (this is a

lost connection by johari

during the 6 days of my rest following being hit by a motorbike and sustaining minor injuries i have been: - dabbling with making web stuff - ignoring work - dealing with wanting to quit my job - wanting to go on a media/dopamine fast. to me the fast means none of the things that hook me - music, and the sing a long that follows - facebook - whatsapp my inner chatter is tamer now i am less bitter less triggered less anxious i dont know but other people appear to cope with using social media technology better than i do. i am looking forward to enjoying a quiet day at home. maybe from time to time i will take short breaks to recuperate at home. this frantic pace of work drives me mad. no time for a reset of myself. i didnt realise i was driving myself towards burnout.

im very happy nowadays i have a job i enjoy my netflix, books i try to learn my javascript i have money and look more respectable to cater for my family's debt i got my parents to look at buying a health plan and refinancing hopefully it lowers the monthly payment the sad side although paying for the familys mortgage means i get to inherit the house mostly, i dont really know. i dont feel its right for me to service a debt that is created due to my sibling failed business. i know i got lucky a little. working at my current job where the people are all normal and not callous. my contract ends in 6 months. i dont know if i will be able to secure my next job and i will be still happy. i hope to do a good enough job and get a good review so i can upgrade to a higher paying job. i am still not good with other humans because i refuse to put on a happy mask and do emotional labor. i can see it pays off. but i dont. im comfortable. this job is ok. 5 day week. i do overtime

something weird happened at work. i experience a moment of calm peace which i have not. because at that moment i truly didnt care what others thought about me. its a wondrous feeling. but now my happy hormones have dried up and im back to this nagging background of low level pain. bummer.

i have no life

life doesnt always overwhelm you till you experience a meltdown sometimes it just feels like you are stuck. cos ive been through a long period where i reacted like a confused child to pain, now i face it calmly but i dont totally accept things emotionally. or maybe im simply not sleeping well enough. i wonder if its dangerous that im enjoying spending so much time with myself and withdrawing from company. cos too little social smoozing is gonna cost you. human relationships need some amount of investment from time to time. i just  want to go to a quiet corner and let it out, have a good cry. but instead, all i am doing is just mindlessly squandering my time on youtube i just cant cry. its like being constipated. i'd like to have a proper reset of my feelings. so for now its like, people whining about the little bad things in their life? its no big deal. everyone hurts. life is imperfect by default. yet it hurts. i keep telling myself its fine. im fine. but im not ok. ther

had this wild idea to write a biopic of my life. here it goes. luyi leads a boring mundane ordinary life. shes timid to aim for a job that is so called more respectable for fear of not being able to rise to the challenge of more responsibility and also the dread of lunching with colleagues expectations, and works a meagre paying junior post job, where daily tasks pile up, everyday running a hamster wheel. the boss, her direct superiors, daily they shoot a few arrows adding to her mounting workload, made intractable by the dept heads new habit of plying her with extra curricular work every tgif. ruining her fridays so tgifs are not tgifs anymore.

my brain feels like its been abused. it feels numb. a sense of feeling like i do so much work and make so much error and it comes back to bite me. there is no special way to not have error in your work. you just check your work. i do not understand my own pain my own mood when it comes. i just feel stifled frustrated uneasy. it is neither good to think of your work as good or bad. its just work. you get into it. you get overloaded. you get paid. you get fat and unhealthy. your brain cells die. your skin wrinkles. you look old. you age. you get closer to old age and death. you wish you could be young again. the details of your work get muddier as you get more familiar and comfortable at work. it gets boring. mundane. repetitive. brain numbing. you try to do things that make you feel younger. you love your quiet your solitude because you know you put on a mask and consider others feelings when you are with them its tiring. you learn to not care about others. actually i rather n