14/12/2020 - on loneliness

the distress that results from discrepancies between ideal and perceived social relationships
the only meaningful relationship i have right now is with my family. i care about them, they care about me,
the last meaningful friendship came to an end when my job contract ended. we are both prickly porcupines and i really trusted her character that's why i felt a connection.

i realised after my first job that paranoia, a lack of trust and i lack of striving leads to a sense of depression. as well as not being yourself.

it is a sort of mild grieving i guess

deep down, i somehow along the way decided that intimacy was too hard for me, i am too perfectionist, people disappoint me easy, and i was unlovable. i still shun when people try to get closer to me.

maybe i should try to have a relationship with some higher power, like the way christians have a relationship with their god.

if you read the literature, they say you have to be the one to create the meaning in your relationships. i shall try. used to call it tending to my garden of flowers.