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someone giving sus vibes. gossiping about people, sharing their secrets. also the person that hates me likes them a lot. is this sus? i just know certain things they do i might not want to do. i am still ambivalent about gossiping. i also cant be bothered about haters. they die down after a while. you just need me to do your work right? very materialistic one. plain and simple. and i dont like that guy so much already. mercifully he stopped flirting with that girl on ig. if not my obsession with him start again. the young guy actually also not bad la. i feel safe around him lor.  but i feel safest around myself! i dont chase romantic feelings anymore!

his ig posts are really soothing.. nature related posts the best. looks like cgtn. i learnt that he likes kfc chicken. but it is better for me that we dont meet ba.. emptiness and peace good for me. i like peace. we can never be together because always got some bitchy young girl wants him. and he doesnt like me. its clear when he did those things. its ok, i like myself well enough. enough of guessing his intentions. just enjoy the ig posts and find humor in it. the rainy weather good because it gives me relief from the hot flush. bathing also sort of helps. i craving twg macarons. maybe i should go sengkang. but the sugar high sia. beta glucan good. this weekend i feeling damn good because i no need see my enemy's and her stupid boyfriend's faces. hopefully next week also. preferably forever. looking forward to emancipation loving my own looks right now. i felt ugly for the longest time. i always thought i was ok with my own looks. turns out i just ignored it hoping it would go...

 the ideal weekend should be.. you wake up early, do exercise, you go nearby eat, you come back home and meddle about your house for the rest of the day. and end it off with a relaxing swim OR you spend some money to pamper yourself. like macarons and tea,  just try and gently cram in as much exercise and greens or fruit to keep healthy. i really hope that my brother really manages to seal that deal to secure some income. also i feel he is probably stingy and controlling and he will treat his mother better than his wife. so would not recommend him as a boyfriend. as a husband i dont know. way too close for comfort. i am quite detached. way to distant for comfort. i feel less social and chatty because a lot of things i just dont think should be said. how do you make safe small talk that is not toxic.  FINALLY i think my crush stopped flirting with the girl and giving her hopes. probably should unfollow his ig. i am not even interested in him, i just dont want my enemy to t...

 sending him negative outcomes simply because i dont like him, i think him perverse, and i think he should stop being sucky for her, i think she is beyond redemption. her facial expressions very ugly. does it make her uglier over time. was her dad the culprit and not her mum? no, i think it is her mum. but the ultimate root cause might be her dad. yada yada yada. you'd get bored hearing me talk

 journaling is not suitable for people who ruminate. is rumination caused by worry? should you remove objects that cause you worry from your environment? true. like no face, that weirdass girl turned into a status hungry monster. she was always like that, materialistic.  reading about ai and its development is like my side hobby. the weather very nice. maybe i should buy a silent cooling fan. i eat the herbal stuff my hot flush much much better but i am probably courting trouble. brain rot. waste money. my 300 dollar glasses waste money sia. sad. can refund or not ah. what should i eat for dinner. contact lenses give me low self esteem sia, i feel very ugly dark circles, no cheekbones, dead eyes, sagging cheeks my face wider nicer. maybe i should go for makeup to make myself feel better. the meitu xiu xiu not bad, lol.

lol, low vibes woman. icky energy need to wash away. anyway she next week not around. good. less pollution. people are really blindddd to not see she is very irritating person. she think she very pretty and clever but i just think her vagina very smelly. her breath very smelly last time also. i'll be glad to keep a distance from her lor. dont want this stupid woman keep use her body in front of me block me yet i cannot physically kick her butt to send her flying to at least100 miles away from me if not later i have formal consequence. i really want to kick her but to send her flying forward and kiss the ground. i can see she very evasive and nervous.  the worse part is, she tries to dominate! which i dont like. you are just like a prostitute! toilet, toilet! an expensive one who renders her pink hole for use in china hotels. like those corrupt china officials. got one marry 4 times and latest one he snatch his son's girlfriend leh. will this one change women after he tire of th...

 end of my leave. swim to ease anxiety. secret santa kinda sucks. wrapping is stressful.  i think the soft toy i bought pretty cute though. the other birthday gift is more utilitarian. but lucky tomorrow no need work slow start to back to work. i'll keep my grudge safely in a pocket. i hope some ghost will help me haunt him and give him a haunted life. because he sucks as a human being. dodged a bullet. passed it to the girl who has high hopes for love. puke everyone wants to pretend to be nice. eww. im just so jaded. oh my god help me.

i am very tempted to whistleblow. because i just dont trust. i just try to keep to logic and facts. and try to translate everything into steps. live like there are people out there who dont like you? when you miss him just remember he is that little bitch. whom you are better off without. i hope to get love which is kind, is loving, is patient, is humble. maybe i should just go be a christian. i am finding that i having insomnia for about 2 - 3 weeks. recently the short term memory got really bad, i am not sure whether the 1 month is better. but the crying seems to be under control. unfortunately you just have to gaslight yourself a ton. not very self affirming. probably easy to get bullied. am exercising many times a week to rid the anxiety. hot flash max sia. maybe i should get a fan. what are the thought patterns that indicate you are ruminating? unfortunately i have to adhere to a very strict routine and cannot tolerate much stress. i also cannot tolerate caffeine or green tea. lik...

bring my dad out to gai gai. went ghibli exhibition. he take photos that lowers my self esteem -_- i keep complaining him to retake and then sigh. no effort max. men very annoying. im soo curious sia. why she no post. every time he post she will post leh. and why her previous post so emo. what about innocent people will be blessed. i mean yeah she is relatively innocent and her stories are interesting, so i see why i am a guy i might choose her. but maybe she found out he was actually already dating someone already. then waste her time? or she decided to block me cos my enemy complain about me to her? i think more likely that he dating someone already and thought it be a joke to poke me and her. i mean i already warned her he is a libra and indecisive. libra men are venusians means they want pretty girl. plus they not loyal like taurus. libra women loyal. or maybe he didnt want to flirt with her cos he saw she liked my photo and he hates me to the core so he started disliking her by pr...

i needed to poop urgently so i hurried back home. that was a lot of poop. it filled the whole water line of the toilet how to bleach toilet, just buy bleach and splash around?  putty to cover sink gap is fun. like art and craft. ok nice my refund completed, give me my money back! try phosphotidylserine and lechithin soy milk powder for better memory that stupid stopped posting after i posted and got likes. why ah. the girl also make some emo comment. why ah.  aint no drug as heady as romance. i miss it and i dont miss it. anyway he not important to my life. anyway, enjoying my leave so far. good mood. i try not to feel aggrieved. i try not to feel resentful. i try to imagine the light blue sky and the lightness and happiness of my heart. free of desires. it seems when you are out of my mindspace only can i be relieved of the shackles of my heart. hatred is something i dont quite understand.  i cant let go if i think the two of them are together sia. no, go and dieeeee. an...

 why do we waste time reading books? some books are great brainwashes. they have central ideas which shape my values. like adam grant's give and take. novelty is good for the brain. routine is also great. the small stuff that gives you joy. making a pot of tea is great for reading books i love cats, they are soo cute! i like sky blue, it represents vastness and freedom i dont like art it is subjective can that noisy music vehicle just drive away. we did not ask for your music to broadcast to the whole neighborhood. jurong superbowl looks fun. island hopping looks fun. chek jawa. where can i watch old movies i want to midjourney prompting nothing cheers me up like yellow yesterday night show was hilarious. light hearted. the heroine did not forgive the male lead. good. i like her resolution. i also like her love of money and the random item placement in the show. how to be less irritating, i find i annoy most people sadly. but some people love me. guess you cant make everyone love y...

today was a miracle day which i havent felt for very long.  i experience yet another period of clarity! able to not feel anything when i think of him. doesnt last that long though. sad.  during that moment of clarity i felt light and away from my troubles. everything very light. unimportant. he also unimportant to me suddenly.. as light and carefree as the blue sky. i had a fond memories of baker boy. we might have been happy together. this proves to me the whole thing is just a state of mind. hopefully it will forever pass soon. things and people who are truly good for me. these few days i felt under the weather. insomnia for 2 weeks. heavy head. slow memory. i felt the pressure on my third eye lift.  felt completely calm and peaceful. the headache still there though. i took a nap and felt better. i only know today is the start of my week long break and also i took beta glucan. so i think it was it. i also took magtein and high dha fish oil. i remember i oocasionally tak...