12/08/2020 - studying and a side note

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 studying

still on my data science business ebook

still making google slides

still reading, googling whenever i need more clarification


a side note on emotional development

i was just remembering the old days

btw, august from taylor swift's folklore is a pretty nice listen, its so evocative and feels like i'm in her mind's eye and savoring a delicious languid memory. while the lyrics are mostly about the girl who was the other girl, but the line about the bottle of wine and the listen made me feel it was a pleasant memory to her.


i don't think i feel particularly grateful to the person i was infatuated with though. i'm not a masochist.  unpleasant.

but still this song rocks.

one of my favourite songs is clean by taylor swift (likens love or what you call it to a drug and a relationship to a garden) and dancing on my own by robyn (crying in the club vibes) (not the one by scott callum)


i think the first time i really fell for someone and i'm not sure why around that time i spiralled into anhedonia. i think the ambivalence really tore me up. its really painful to hold love and hate in your heart. makes it swing like a pendulum and often into the depths of despair. 

why BTS is so powerful because their noisiness. pulls you out of the rumination and self isolation loop. it's not really the music, but the amateur videos and the fan content which drew me in and resonated with me. helping me to appreciate their music along the way.

coming back to the present, nowadays, i am rather stable, though still anger prone if i'm frustrated. i feel i have gotten familiar with myself. and developed more emotional granularity. because i have learnt to question and reason with myself and talk myself out of dark moods. i'm still afraid of the abyss. pain and wanting to wallow in it is ironically rather addictive.


i don't know if everyone shares the same feeling, but for mine when i'm in that mode, my lungs hurted from the endless tearing. and maybe my gut too. my whole body aches and feels so tired.


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