14/03/2021 - what do you want to be when you grow up?

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finding your interest

i used to think this question about what you wanted to be when you grew up was a stupid question. wouldn't you choose a job that fits all of what society has taught us to chase? money, status, popularity, free time.

then when you go out into actual workplace you really feel the limits of yourself and negative mindset working against you. feeling lost, confused, not knowing and just going through the moves. so i realise i couldnt go through that soul crushing. i got depressed, resentful, angry. it wasnt pretty. it was hard for me because i had a negative mindset. it never worked against me so i never thought of correcting it and was comfortable to remain in my comfort zone.

i never realised i was so unaware and i was so paranoid and distrustful of all my colleagues. it led to my mental breakdown. was pretty fragile.

having a long break and being accustomed to being mediocre has made me more resilient. perfectionism can make you neurotic. i was the child who did no wrong, got good grades and all. until i went into the workplace and realised i hated the subject and i couldn't learn the rope classroom style. the piles of contract and legalese worsened my pain. i felt like my colleagues despised me and i despised some of them for not making effort to reach out it would be easier for them. to this day that particular girl still makes me sneer. 

still learning about dealing with feelings of hurt, anger, vulnerability, contempt, openness, suspicion, shame, inferiority. to this day i can only tell myself i will never be like them. the behaviour that i condemn. certain feelings have the power to consume me if i am not careful about them.

all these emotions i didnt much before because they were social emotions. i previously i could just avoid experiencing them by sticking to my cliques and besties.

so my principles are
- if you hate someone for ill treating you = ' i will never be like you'
- shame and guilt tripping get you nowhere, but self encouragement and habits get you nearer

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