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 i am easily addicted to electronics last time it was whatsapp now its tiktok

i have been on lupron letrozole since 2024. calcium + vitamin d seems to keep my mood stable. for reasons i dont understand. im a shell of my previous self. you know being bald and also being artificially menopause. i feel robbed.  even if i dont plan to marry and have kids. i still feel robbed.

 i see those in my workplace when they are in a relationship and boundaries crossed. i dont like it. i just dont like it. gross.

i miss bts. listening to their music. their music pulled me out of depression. i think i was especially lonely and their music just made me feel alive. and stopped that empty feeling. im so glad to have known their music and them too. good times. 

 you should be more selfish.. when it comes to thinking about your goals and aspirations.. when i struggle with trying to motivate myself.. things that work imagining being fired from a job telling myself i deserve it, so i get the self image needed to hold down a job and aspirations i have a very fuzzy sense of self i adapt to others i am lazy i escapism

i feel like with whats going on recently.. has healed me.. my emotions all stuck in side.. extreme emotions.. and my masking.. i feel it is better for me not to pretend i am not a nerd..

 it's been a while. limbo i am stuck in limbo. stuck with an exam i can't pass. stuck with a colleague i can't handover to. starting my chemo. i try not to think if i will get stuck in the old project. just think forward and that's it. about you my office crush left the company. but is still active in the chats. like a ghost. but its ok  the distance gives me needed peace. now i have brain space to do my own things. good. nothing but heartache and pointless longing. so it is a good break. he will never like me. it is like the song about you by 1975. when you want to remember how someone made you feel, there is a place you go back to to remember them. but the memory is pretty hazy. i cling on, because it isn't often i fall for someone. i do actually treasure it how it made me feel what i learnt about myself. as usual, i am obssessed and avoidant at the same time when it comes to love. romantic love is always tinged with hatred jealousy and prickliness for me. trying ...

it feels like ages since i left the mobile app startup i was interning at to work in corporate. working in an office is COMPLICATED. because you have to deal with humans. many times you see behaviours that give you pause. i feel like a lot of my brain space is unnecessarily taken up by thinking too much of what other people think. if people dont like me, i cant help it. cos inside, i really think i'm just plain ol me. no idea what other people see. its pretty tiring also. humans are tiring, always you dealing with egos. except for my parents. so now my goal is make my mind a nice garden. i realise i have a lot of dark negative thoughts i need to work through.  things i absolutely have to do to prevent depression or having a shit brain on any day - take tamoxifen on time - jog daily - do not alcohol - do not sugar - i have cravings for sugar. im attempting to substitute with fruit i dont dare to take vitamin b complex anymore. i heard folate can increase breast cancer risk. but i fe...

 recently been into self improvement revived my interest in buddhism https://medium.com/meditation-without-mysticism/what-calvin-and-hobbes-taught-me-about-mindfulness-21f707245677 Because your mind is never satisfied with the present moment — it will always need something else.  Something needs to be fixed. Something needs to be added or taken away. Something needs to be acquired or achieved. https://www.thetadprinciple.com/tad-blog/stop-tomorrowing-yourself-to-the-end-of-your-life Many people argue that being present means you can't plan or have goals. But these people confuse  planning  with  dwelling and ruminating .  Plan. Take action. Evaluate and adjust. And, do it all mindfully in the only time you can do it - now.  Your mind perpetuates this cycle. It tells you that happiness, success, and fulfillment lie at some point down the road. When you reach that point, however, you always find your mind has pushed it farther down the road. You are bein...

 hi its me making my customary start of the year post. as usual, i slept through the fireworks sound. i wanted to say these - hormones. i have hormones. like i get attracted to this guy, it bothers me, i get attracted to next guy. im a very unconfident person, so im ashamed of my own attraction and it makes me anxious. this is my pattern im pretty average looking and not attractive personality, so i dont foresee any reciprocation - theres this youtube channel called therapy in a nutshell. go watch it. its pretty good the episode i watched, she taught about cognitive diffusion it is to separate yourself from your intrusive/disturbing thoughts she mentioned this girl who wrote her recurrent thought on a stone and everytime she chose to believe she would have to hold that heavy stone in her hand other is to label your thoughts. i think it is just to sort them into neat little categories so you can address them in a methodical manner. - random check list clear out my room do some work ...

im seeing a therapist online. it is not as serious as you might think. we chat. if i have journal entries she analyses them for me i take magnesium, probiotic, prebiotic, beta glucan for my mood cooking is calming swimming is habit forming exercise i get apathy during anxiety and i start to drop ball and have poor memory avoid caffeine avoid sugar

i am about 1.5 months into my new job i always dont feel safe in it. like i dont know how long i last always feel like i offend people there's this colleague who is hard to get along with as she is critical. she cannot take flaws after she launches her tirade i'm now volunteering at my old company during my after hours its hard to motivate to open the work laptop you have brought home. i have two aims for bringing work home to code to clear some paperwork i have breast lump not gone for scan cos i will need to take leave i do think i am being reckless la exercise i only skip 5 minutes on weekday mornings. i am trying to shift to night exercise so i can do it longer. its evening time now. im so full i dont think i can exercise. what else can i do stranger things is nice. the plot quite coherent, which is rare

 https://backrooms.fandom.com/wiki/Level_37 i like the vibe. it like an introvert's fantasy spaces which resemble dreamscapes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOa0zQBRs_M i like the vibe. it looks like a game play https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpP43hEXlqg https://www.theartnewspaper.com/2021/07/10/lokis-production-designer-on-the-modernist-inspiration-behind-the-shows-stunning-visuals loki architecture 

 uncle bob solid, java https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jDNAf3CzeY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPv9-cHEmQw angular js https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OL8JIQEPSt0&list=PL4cUxeGkcC9gsJS5QgFT2IvWIX78dV3_v&index=14

 feeling cranky cos i am in the process of learning coding oops the process of a js dev trying to learn java trying out editors - i like vscode cos of auto complete, eclipse has too many settings i need to config pity there's no semi colon insertion i have admin stuff i have not done done - clothing not done - speedpost my return, finish company onboarding stuff even though i have no email access, trying out stuff in the environment i just setup for my new job

 i never taken to java too much boilerplate, i just dont get oop so after some youtube videos and googling about java, i decided to learn a framework i think the learn backwards style is better for me, i require a lot of context to be able to absorb anything. a framework is good for letting you see all the parts interacting i come from a javascript background javascript's syntax wise is pretty similar to java, so i can scrimp on these parts if else, switch case, curly brackets, exactly the same javascript has functions as first class citizens. anyway i only ever used it in functions first manner. like functional react java is class first. i also saw one could write java in functional style spring boot is a java framework for making web and server it uses this thing called dependency injection, with the @ annotation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SGDpanrc8U i am watching this one by amigoscode. so far he's the online content creator i am going to focus on i be watching his you...

i've been stressed the whole week kinda spoilt my enjoyment of my 1 week break was the worst on the day i stayed home to learn java spring boot pre new job jitters i don't want to talk about it i will definitely miss my ex job with wfh. wfh, i believe i will be able to see you again, once i have sharpened my skillset coach jason ho on tiktok says to be an sme, subject matter expert i quite like frank niu too, he is just so calm and logical i am very emotional person, so i admire people who seem to have their shit together

its abit weird how i didnt record this moment. guess it goes to show how much of a isfp i am, i really dont care about money and job status, i only happy because i want to make my parents happy ok, so i enrolled in a intern program for 1 year, attached to a startup as a dev, and landed an offer. pending health check. cross fingers no bomb. i think the tech market is crazy now i got spammed with interview invites and got 2 offers the job role sounds like outerspace lmao simi mission soooo. make a  i cant say too much cos i also dont know about what it holds for me i will miss the work from home welp its ok [name], you will work there a while and do remote work when you get more experience! welp, i dont know how to interact with my ex colleague once i left sia nevermind, i only know i will make him a nice card to express my gratitude! i also dunno how i can help him sia.

 tried learning java oop. still found it lame. dont see the point of the boilerplate docker. cool. some progress. techworld with nana. cos node/npm is really annoying. i have this strapi project that keeps giving me issues until i downgrade node and npm. made me want to learn to run a container thinking of doing a project. react x typescript x apollo? radium for css? strapi?

job hunting although i have it easy - work from home, zoom interviews, understanding boss job search period is still stressful for me. recruiters are too spammy, i have too many interviews (yes that is an issue for me), i have work to to, i am ill prepared for my interviews, so they end up making me feel uncomfortable cos i feel like an idiot. i have fomo if i ignore the recruiters. but replying them means i pile on another interview. but i did learn from those chats i have with the interviewers on the market - they like that i learnt coding on my own - sql, docker, react native - for react native, jobs are more demanding - remote jobs are rather hands off, i feel uncomfortable working with ang mohs - for larger apps, java my friend has this weird habit/issue. she complains. a lot. to me. so i become detached lor. from negativity. its pointless also. maybe she will get a boyfriend who finds this dependence quite affirming. i think guys do.  cos i had 3 interviews in a week and to t...